The Definition of Me (Part 1)

I've been struggling for a really long time. When they ask me how long, I give out this sort of weird laugh and say “Forever?” Like I don’t have the answer to that question because I don’t actually know myself. And you can read that last part two ways. I don’t actually know myself.
Who am I? What is the purpose of it all? What is the purpose of me? Existential crisis ensue. Is it an existential crisis if being that way actually defines your existence? I’ve been this way as long as I can remember.
I’ve got this slew of mental health issues. Diagnoses that define me. That don’t, but really they do. Cuz there’s a name for it when you can’t handle life. When everything means you're worthless and there’s no point to your life. Everything is another disaster. Waiting to happen, in progress, or a disaster that has led to a bunch of other disasters and to you ultimately hating yourself and wishing it was over and pretty much just falling off the deep end every time.

That's me. On the borderline.

The Definition of Desperation

I was thinking earlier, on my drive home, about how I wished I had jumped off the bridge. And not necessarily die, but that maybe the act would spark some big change. Within me. Or with him. Or that if it wouldn't do either of these, then I’d just be dead and not have to worry about it at all. Which doesn't even make sense because if I was dead it wouldn't change anything within me. And how would I know if it changed anything with him? The logic is completely missing, but that doesn't matter.

It’s not a cry for help. It’s desperation. Maybe give it one more try to see if people care. A lot of times it feels like people don’t care. And they hurt you. So you want to hurt them back. Or make them care. See if they really do, and if they do, then life is worth living. And if they don’t, then you have your answer. It isn't worth it if you're all alone. And when you're messed up, sometimes it’s that one person's attention you want. It’s the only one that matters. And if you don't have that, you have nothing.

Life is fucking hard, man.